impressionable

I've spent a lot of time studying this week. Before you jump to the conclusion that I've become a good student overnight, let me clarify: I haven't been studying for classes, I've been studying for life.

In lieu of doing homework, I thought I would present some of my lessons learning here:

From The Miracle of Forgiveness, pages 42-45, I learned that my behavior sometimes meets the criteria for being hated by the Lord because I am a rebel. Where Spencer Kimball wrote that "one would wish that the rebellious would stop and ask themselves questions such as...", I stopped and asked myself the questions he listed.

Do my philosophy and my critical efforts bring me closer to Christ, to God, to virtue, to prayer, to exaltation?

What have I gained by my criticism--peace, joy and growth, or merely satisfaction to my pride?

My mother suggested that my changed calling last week was punishment for planning to preach feminism.

I am still reflecting on all of these things. It's doubtful that I'll reach conclusive answers any time soon.

In the middle of my musings, I called my aunt to arrange a time to visit her. Over the phone, and later through a series of email exchanges, we discussed ideas of fallibility and our role as members in sustaining human leaders. We talked about logic and faith and Brigham Young; she is a fan, I find him frustrating.

She sent me this article, which now lives in my purse for frequent perusal and generous sharing. Terry Warner is a friend to my family and a brilliantly kind man with many deep insights into life.

My favorite part of this article is the message about obeying commandments out of love even when they don't make sense. I liked Warner's discussion of how our actions impact others and build up or break down their faith.

I was accused once by a bitter friend of a friend of destroying her faith in Christianity and strengthening her atheism because in trying to defend a religious belief through logic I had offended her. From time to time I re-read her rant against me and wonder if I'm doing any good when I try to defend my personal beliefs, most of which match with what is taught by the LDS church. I worry that it's not only my enemies I hurt.

And so it would seem better for me to be quiet and orthodox. But then I talk it through with Hugh B. Brown and get answers like this:

“I should like to awaken in everyone a desire to investigate, to make an independent study of religion, and to know for themselves whether or not the teachings of the Mormon church are true. I should like to see everyone prepared to defend the religion of his or her parents, not because it was the religion of our fathers and mothers but because they have found it to be the true religion. If one approaches it with an open mind, with a desire to know the truth, and if one questions with a sincere heart what one hears from time to time, he or she will be on the road to growth and service. There are altogether too many people in the world who are willing to accept as true whatever is printed in a book or delivered from a pulpit. Their faith never goes below the surface soil of authority. I plead with everyone I meet that they may drive their faith down through that soil and get hold of the solid truth, that they may be able to withstand the winds and storm of indecision and of doubt, of opposition and persecution. Then, and only then, will we be able to defend our religion successfully.”
“It is not only your right to question, but your duty to question.”

"Preserve, then, the freedom of your mind in education and in religion, and be unafraid to express your thoughts and to insist upon your right to examine every proposition. We are not so much concerned with whether your thoughts are orthodox or heterodox as we are that you shall have thoughts. One may memorize much without learning anything. In this age of speed there seems to be little time for meditation."

Where does personal pursuit of truth become rebellion?