and we'll be we

I recently emerged from a highly unpleasant (to put it lightly) experience with someone I had thought of as a good friend. Over the last couple days I’ve gone through a wide range of emotions causing me to feel somewhat bipolar—anger, pain, confusion, shame on the negative end of the spectrum, and hope, comfort, clarity, and peace on the positive end. I feel reshaped. My views, priorities, opinions, feelings have changed drastically. I feel a fierce protectiveness about my happiness and safety and a deepened love for God. I feel my prayers have been answered in an exquisitely painful and unlikely way, and more certainly than ever I believe life will go up from here.

With all this boiling through me my thoughts return often to a poem I wrote four or five years ago.


I want someone to see my whole soul and to love it,
every inch and thought and fear.

I want to be held close 'til just one heartbeat can be heard,
to hold hands tight and breathe ‘til we’re not lonely anymore.

I want someone to laugh with while sunset and rise merge all together,
and I want little children’s cheeks to kiss and tears to dry.

I want someone to see my whole soul and to love it,
every inch and thought and fear, and we’ll be we.


I'm certain that out of this pain will come the love I have been looking for. Suddenly I feel I can accept it when it comes.

hunger, space goats, and taboos.

This, my friends, simply won’t do! I know I’m walking a lot (I average some five miles a day) and I know my self defense class is killer exercise and I know I’m smiling more lately and that takes energy because one cannot really smile without bouncing as well, but really, this is a little bit ridiculous! Feeding this stomach (we won’t call it an appetite because that would imply that I enjoy the eating) has become a part time job!

Case in point: I ate a full meal right before going to bed last night. I went to bed around 1:30, and got up around 7:30, and in those 6 hours I consumed nearly 500 calories! This can’t go on or I’ll never get any sleep!

I’ve gained nearly 20 pounds since coming to BYU. Most of it is muscle I am sure, but I did notice today that I’m too awesome for the skirt I was wearing (translation: I’ve gone up a size or something.) The obvious solution would have been to go home! My room is a no clothz zone. Problem solved! But the teacher in Sunday School liked my comment, and then someone cornered me before RS and asked me to say the prayer, and soon I was stuck. If we ever get to vote on a 2 hour block schedule I’ll be all in favor.

I’ve been playing Settlers of Catan and Star Munchkins with various friends this past week with excellent results—I’m winning most of the games. Munchkins is a pretty awesome game especially because it has Space Goats in it.

Beloveds, there is so much to tell you all. Perhaps one of these days I’ll find time will and energy to write a proper family email instead of rambling on this blog. For now, I’m starving and it’s bedtime so I’m off to find something high calorie and easy.

P.s. check the new recipe on Neinerschts Virtual Kitchen. Credit goes to James!

this happiness thing

After learning that the last medication I had been prescribed (by a doctor I visited because mine was not available that day) was highly addictive, frequently used as a recreational drug, popular as a date rape drug, and partly responsible for Michael Jackson's death, I returned to my regular doctor for a second opinion. He put me on a mild mood stabilizer which I am loving. These topics can be kind of sensitive to discuss, but since I am generally a proponent of openness I feel comfortable expressing my appreciation for this miracle of modern medicine. I don't know how long these effects will last, but for these first six days on it I've been feeling like my true self--energetic, spontaneous, productive, happy.

What a good feeling it is.


(Picture: enjoying the hike to Garnet Canyon)

rainstorms in the land of smiles

I got my first letter from Thailand today. It was, as advertised on the envelope, 100% joy.

I’m convinced that there never has been in the past or ever will be in the future another missionary as happy as Jacob.

He even loves the nearly-constant rain and the thunder and lightning that comes with it.

I’m not such a fan:

schedule

My new schedule consists of:

Self Defense
Survey of World Religions
Intro to Computer Programming (3D animation)
Anthropology
Personal Finance

and,

if I get in,

Folk Music Ensemble.

It's a good mix, don't you think?