new year, new name

I don't have a middle name

yet.

I chose one for myself last week: it is "Agnes".

It's significant because it is the name of my great-grandmother, who had a motorcycle boyfriend just like I have always wanted. I look like her and I admire her although I never met her. She was a brave woman.

Starting tomorrow, consider me Catherine Agnes. Someday I'll make the change official.

happy thoughts

Ten things I smiled about today were:

- Just one more day of 2008
- Prayer
- Family
- Friends
- Clean clothes
- Safe and delicious running water
- Fluoxetine
- Sleeping as long as I want
- Hundertwasser's art
- Not going to the opera

I smiled a lot today.

fear and faith

Each December I write a poem reflecting on the dying year and expressing hope for the coming one. Here is the one I wrote this year.


I know I run. Lord, is it wrong to run?
I reach for quiet in the ways I live and feel;
I long for silence in my hands
and softness on my lips.
I can survive like this. I can be whole;
I know I can.

I pursue peace on tortured feet—
Lord, which way should I run?
I reach for light; soft shouldered friends
stand in my way, support my hands
sigh lullabies
beg me to sleep—though pained,
I can survive like this. I can be whole;
I know I can.

A load lifts from my hips today; I run
on jubilating feet.
I saw my Lord today reflected
in the kindness of a friend’s affection
in the brightness of a stranger’s smile.
The snow is coming with its whiteness to
repaint the world like clean. It promises
I can survive through this. I can be whole;
I know I can.