and love it

Things I learn from Joseph Smith

2011-08-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

Prophets are a difficult facet of Mormonism for me for several reasons, and Joseph Smith is no exception. My favorite Joseph Smith story doesn't have much to do with him being a prophet, but has a great deal to do with him being a good person. The story goes that a poor man's house burned down, and a few men were standing around saying that they were sorry for the man who had lost his home to fire. Joseph pulled out $5 and said "I feel sorry for this brother to the amount of five dollars. How much do you all feel sorry?"

That came to mind yesterday as I responded to a friend's message about her 11-month nephew who has a high-risk cancer and whose parents can't make rent. "I'm so sorry," I wrote. And then I thought about Joseph Smith, and I couldn't just leave it at words.

unexpected expectations

2011-04-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

It made some sense that when I mentioned to my mother-in-law that I was feeling dizzy and tired earlier this week, she wondered if I might be pregnant. It made some sense that when a waitress saw me picking at my food the other night, she wondered the same thing. But it was entirely too much today when a TOTAL STRANGER said matter-of-factly upon meeting me, "yep, you're expecting!" "Well, no," I said, and then, to alleviate the awkwardness of the situation, added, "but I did recently give birth." Yeah, if 3 months ago counts as recent enough for me to still look pregnant, which it doesn't! I am not pregnant! I even bought a pregnancy test, because all these comments were messing with my mind; negative. Thank goodness. I am so far from ready to face another pregnancy that if I really were pregnant, I would be spending copious amounts of time crying about it. But I'm not.

So why does everyone think I am?

some things I have to say about my life right now

2010-01-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

What a good semester this is turning out to be! I'm exploring the Public Health major, Health Promotion track, and it's a joy. I have excellent professors and enjoy the class material, am thus far staying fully up to speed, and have the pleasure of live entertainment between classes; most of my classes meet on the second floor of the RB, and I get to watch the divers practice during breaks.

Jason provides constant love and support and we have adventures pretty much daily--planning the wedding, shopping at D.I., looking for housing. He taught mission prep yesterday after church, and for some reason skipped me when he was encouraging each class member to serve a full-time mission. Seems he wants to keep me around. :-) We are trying to be better about updating our joint blog, adventurescontigo.

We are flying out on Friday to visit his mom. I'm excited to meet her and to see the Alabama house, dogs, ward, friends. We plan on living there Spring term and working on his house, then coming back to UT to take advantage of Pell Grant money for Summer term. We've got an apartment lined up for Summer, and are still looking for Fall/Winter.

It's a good life, friends!

service, charity, and why we need to ask for help

2009-12-11T13:28:00.001-08:00

Several weeks ago, the compassionate service committee of which I am a part (now under new leadership) met on the couches of our committee chair’s living room and we talked.

We discussed the possible needs of our fellow ward members, particularly of those who we know do not come to church frequently. We were successful in compiling lists of people we know are having rough times in life. We were less successful in planning ways to buoy these sisters up and share with them the joy we know this life and most especially this gospel can provide.

Perhaps, we said, some of them would like rides to church. Perhaps they would like more involvement from their visiting and home teachers. Perhaps they need friends to invite them to activities. Perhaps they need someone to wash their dishes for them, or to hold them while they cry. Perhaps they need hot dinner made for them. Perhaps their family is in crisis or they are struggling with depression. Perhaps they need someone to understand them, and perhaps we could understand. We’ve been there, all of us. We know how it feels to be human.

But we don’t know what they need, and we’re not sure how to find out, because we humans are too used to saying “no” when people ask if they can help.

We try to counter this by asking specific questions and offering specific services, but sometimes this just leads to people feeling like we are intruding into their lives, which is not our intent.

This, friends, is why we need to ask for help.

It’s my belief that most humans sincerely want to help each other. We want to reach out and be kind, but frequently we don’t know how. It’s easy to feel like to be a good person we need to constantly be offering help rather than asking for it. I think we need to do both.

This month’s visiting teaching message included the following thought from Elder Nelson:

The Lord said ‘My work and my glory [is] to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.’ (Moses 1:39.) So His devoted daughter-disciple may truly say, ‘My work and my glory is to help my loved ones reach that heavenly goal.’

By asking for the help we need, we give others the opportunity to grow through service and love, reaching closer towards the heavenly goal of immortality and eternal life. Additionally, we help them feel more comfortable approaching us when they are the ones in need.

I think the key in learning to serve others lies in developing charity towards them.

Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ. (Moroni 7:48)

the gratitude of lambs

2009-11-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

This poem is about two years old, and it feels so applicable today. :-)

The Gratitude of Lambs

on these bright pastures, I forget
that once I fought my gentle Master’s hands,
and clung to thorns and mud and dried-dead sickly grass
and bid him let the wolves destroy
my aching lonely soul.

he spoke with softness
but I only heard the storm,
and stubbornly,
I wandered prodigal,
lost a little
more
with each abandoned foothold.

where cliff fell quick to sea I stumbled,
prayed sintossed
from rock
to
rock to
rock;
he set me free.

with love he lifted me,
with truth he taught me peace.
I joined his flock in meadows
and they welcomed me—

my shepherd knows
the gratitude of lambs.

the way things go

2009-10-30T13:31:00.001-07:00

Several weeks ago I realized that my deodorant was giving me a rash, so I switched brands. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find unscented deodorant at regular stores (scents=skin irritants=bad idea for me) but I finally found one labeled in two places as unscented. In the store it smelled like nothing, but I had just finished sniffing Axe deodorants to help a male friend decide which one would please the ladies most, so my nose must have been overwhelmed.

It took me a few days after arriving home to realize something was up. A scent unlike sweat wafted from my underarms. I flipped the deodorant stick over and read the ingredients: right there at the end was listed fragrance. Fragrance? Are you kidding me?

So far, no rash, but I’ve learned not to trust Secret brand product labels.

Tattoos I drew during a lazy evening with a friend.

Entertaining dialogue between one of my roommates and the cleaning check supervisor person.

What I found when I opened my planner the other day. I was correct in anticipating that I would ignore my instructions to “See Anthro Syllabus. Important!” unless something was due.

Tonight I am going to see the play “Absent Friends” with my awesome friend David.

Then it will be weekend!

alienation

2009-10-23T22:42:00.001-07:00

I've never kept a friend for long.
I like to say that it's because of so much moving but I know it's more than that.
Lately I've burned most every friendship that I have.
I don't know why I do it.
I'm not even sure how I do it.
But that's what siblings are for, eh?
Automatic friendship?
No wonder God gave me such a gloriously large family.
That's what I'm thankful for tonight.

That and fall leaves:

garbage moments

2009-10-18T14:56:00.001-07:00

A quirk all of my roommates sooner or later have remarked on is my eagerness to take the trash out.

Since this is something people frequently ask me about, I periodically come up with different excuses for this lone example of Catherine the Neat.

Lately I’ve been citing the cartoon Rose is Rose, in which Jumbo and Rose often fight over who gets to take the trash out and have a magical “garbage moment” surveying the beauty of nature.

While I can’t claim to do it only for the view, it certainly helps.

fight part two

2009-10-17T10:09:00.001-07:00

I’ve been learning this week how to break arms.

It’s an important life skill, I am sure.

It hurts to practice, but I absolutely love it. I like the power feeling of knowing that if you cross me I can break your arm. Even if you are a body builder, if I get the technique down I can break your arm, because it is my arms and legs and hips all against one of your arms.(For the present we will pretend I know how to do this from more than two positions.)

Who knew I’d turn into an adrenaline junkie? I love the fight sequences in self defense and am this close to signing up for juijitsu winter term. Perhaps I’ll settle for just going to juijitsu club weekly; it all depends on my schedule and ambition.

I went to the gym last night and reflected while doing bench press (a mere 45 pounds—just the bar—but I can almost do three sets of ten reps with that and I am gradually getting stronger) that the rush from that is comparable only to the rush I feel from outdoor rock-climbing and exceptionally happy times with my beloveds. Weight work feels fantastic, and I’ve relied heavily on it to preserve my sanity these past few weeks. When I am angry I lift weights and feel less angry. When I am insecure I lift weights and feel less insecure. When I am anxious I lift weights and feel less anxious. When I am lonely I lift weights and feel less lonely. When I am sad I lift weights and feel less sad. It is kind of like nephews (whom I have praised in the past as fitness aids, antidepressants, and natural birth control) but more readily available to me.

In closing I present you with a baby pygmy hippo.

fight

2009-10-12T22:29:00.001-07:00

I hiked Squaw Peak with Benj on Saturday. I think Squaw Peak was the first mountain I ever summited, and that less than a year and a half ago.

The first time I hiked Squaw Peak it wore me out and I was sore for days. This time I felt great as soon as my post-hike headache subsided, and even worked out at the gym later in the day.

Basically I am getting really strong.

Tonight after FHE I fought in the grass with my Alabaman friends Jason and John. They have cool accents and John’s in a Juijitsu class taught by the same guy who teaches my self defense class so we know many of the same skills.

That was the best part of my day today.

my jesus with your feet bearing new life

2009-10-03T00:47:00.000-07:00

Self Defense class yesterday was an emotional hour. While fighting on the artificial turf I thought about how vulnerable I am to manipulation, violation, hurt. Only recently did I realize how inadequately I protect myself. I am often more concerned about not hurting others than I am about not being hurt myself, and at times this can be a very bad thing indeed.

With these thoughts came glimpses from this poem, probably from when I was 16, possibly 17.

fog drifts across
stiff sparkling cheeks to settle in and haunt;
today’s tears dry in stinging bright nonscars.

dear friends touch
raw wounds with god-forgiven trembled fears;
soft truth makes weeping lips delight.

I prayed for rain; trees grew from stone.
I prayed for wings; he sent me saints.

lord, help me hope as I have never hoped,
(my jesus with your feet bearing new life)
lord, help me love as I have never loved.

and we'll be we

2009-09-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

I recently emerged from a highly unpleasant (to put it lightly) experience with someone I had thought of as a good friend. Over the last couple days I’ve gone through a wide range of emotions causing me to feel somewhat bipolar—anger, pain, confusion, shame on the negative end of the spectrum, and hope, comfort, clarity, and peace on the positive end. I feel reshaped. My views, priorities, opinions, feelings have changed drastically. I feel a fierce protectiveness about my happiness and safety and a deepened love for God. I feel my prayers have been answered in an exquisitely painful and unlikely way, and more certainly than ever I believe life will go up from here.

With all this boiling through me my thoughts return often to a poem I wrote four or five years ago.

I want someone to see my whole soul and to love it,
every inch and thought and fear.

I want to be held close 'til just one heartbeat can be heard,
to hold hands tight and breathe ‘til we’re not lonely anymore.

I want someone to laugh with while sunset and rise merge all together,
and I want little children’s cheeks to kiss and tears to dry.

I want someone to see my whole soul and to love it,
every inch and thought and fear, and we’ll be we.

I'm certain that out of this pain will come the love I have been looking for. Suddenly I feel I can accept it when it comes.

hunger, space goats, and taboos.

2009-09-20T23:01:00.001-07:00

This, my friends, simply won’t do! I know I’m walking a lot (I average some five miles a day) and I know my self defense class is killer exercise and I know I’m smiling more lately and that takes energy because one cannot really smile without bouncing as well, but really, this is a little bit ridiculous! Feeding this stomach (we won’t call it an appetite because that would imply that I enjoy the eating) has become a part time job!

Case in point: I ate a full meal right before going to bed last night. I went to bed around 1:30, and got up around 7:30, and in those 6 hours I consumed nearly 500 calories! This can’t go on or I’ll never get any sleep!

I’ve gained nearly 20 pounds since coming to BYU. Most of it is muscle I am sure, but I did notice today that I’m too awesome for the skirt I was wearing (translation: I’ve gone up a size or something.) The obvious solution would have been to go home! My room is a no clothz zone. Problem solved! But the teacher in Sunday School liked my comment, and then someone cornered me before RS and asked me to say the prayer, and soon I was stuck. If we ever get to vote on a 2 hour block schedule I’ll be all in favor.

I’ve been playing Settlers of Catan and Star Munchkins with various friends this past week with excellent results—I’m winning most of the games. Munchkins is a pretty awesome game especially because it has Space Goats in it.

Beloveds, there is so much to tell you all. Perhaps one of these days I’ll find time will and energy to write a proper family email instead of rambling on this blog. For now, I’m starving and it’s bedtime so I’m off to find something high calorie and easy.

P.s. check the new recipe on Neinerschts Virtual Kitchen. Credit goes to James!

this happiness thing

2009-09-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

After learning that the last medication I had been prescribed (by a doctor I visited because mine was not available that day) was highly addictive, frequently used as a recreational drug, popular as a date rape drug, and partly responsible for Michael Jackson's death, I returned to my regular doctor for a second opinion. He put me on a mild mood stabilizer which I am loving. These topics can be kind of sensitive to discuss, but since I am generally a proponent of openness I feel comfortable expressing my appreciation for this miracle of modern medicine. I don't know how long these effects will last, but for these first six days on it I've been feeling like my true self--energetic, spontaneous, productive, happy.

What a good feeling it is.

(Picture: enjoying the hike to Garnet Canyon)

rainstorms in the land of smiles

2009-09-04T21:11:00.001-07:00

I got my first letter from Thailand today. It was, as advertised on the envelope, 100% joy.

I’m convinced that there never has been in the past or ever will be in the future another missionary as happy as Jacob.

He even loves the nearly-constant rain and the thunder and lightning that comes with it.

I’m not such a fan:

schedule

2009-09-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

My new schedule consists of:

Self Defense
Survey of World Religions
Intro to Computer Programming (3D animation)
Anthropology
Personal Finance

and,

if I get in,

Folk Music Ensemble.

It's a good mix, don't you think?

trying

2009-08-31T21:10:00.001-07:00

I was so happy while in Garnet Canyon and the letdown after that high has been heavy. It was a true high like I rarely feel anymore. I had all this surplus energy and smiled so much it gave me headaches. I introduced myself to new people at Ward Prayer the night I returned to Provo; Madison commented on how out of character that is for me.

Today I am the usual me again and I don’t like it. The day started with a call home in which I related my desire to curl up in the nearest elephant graveyard and die. Classes were daunting—it was the first day—but I attended because missing the first day is never good.

I think I give off some kind of danger aura when I am feeling like I often feel; today the people I sat next to in my classes moved to other rows so that even in crowded auditoriums I had an entire row of chairs all to myself. The crowds were overwhelming and like a coward I retreated from them and hid in remote hallways where I read Matthew Kelley’s Perfectly Yourself.

After classes I picked up fliers about a depression support group and a tutoring program at a local elementary school and then I signed up for a Folk Music Ensemble audition to be held the day after tomorrow. The better groups tour a lot and are way too intense for me right now, but I’m hoping for a just-for-fun quartet or something like that. They’re heavy on violinists though so we’ll see if they even want me.

This blog is always supposed to be positive so here are ten happy thoughts:

siblings
movies
pillows
french fries
salads
mountains
cliffs
waterfalls
red lipstick
toothbrushes

I don’t like nights

2009-08-22T22:13:00.001-07:00

when I am unhappy without valid reason, but tonight I’m having one. When logic and emotion disagree it leaves me feeling frantic and discouraged.

TRC (teaching resource center at the missionary training center) today was disjointed and in some ways difficult, but it was clear that the Elders were trying and I felt their testimony as they spoke. They teased me about having different husbands each time that I volunteer, and on the way home Becca and I discussed the difficulty of giving up not only drinking but also all that comes with it (we played the part of drinking buddies in the scenario today) such as the magnificent wine collections many people have and what should happen to them if the owner joins the church.

My hands are healing excellently from my fridge cleaning adventure and I’m contemplating subjecting them to outdoor rock climbing. I tried on climbing gloves today but found it hard to give up the integrity of skin on rock. It is intimately painful and makes me feel entirely in control. The gloves of course were in a store and that was REI, where I collected an excellent sleeping pad that folds up to the size of a water bottle and weighs just 23 ounces. The selling point is that it’s thick enough once inflated to keep space between my bones and the sharp rocks beneath the pad. I can’t sleep with pressure on my bones.

Tomorrow will be a good day and the day after will hopefully be better, and soon I’ll be in school again. I am currently registered for

Personal Finance

Intro to Computer Programming

Self-Defense

Intro to Linguistics (Modern)

The Doctrine and Covenants

LDS History 1805-1844

I want to add Survey of World Religions with the famous Gaskill, and if I succeed in that endeavor I plan to drop LDS History since three religion classes at once is getting a bit heavy.

serotonin sunday: raw thoughts

2009-08-16T22:30:00.001-07:00

On Friday I forgot to take my meds, the aftereffects of which convinced me that the only dose change happening in the near future is an increase. The low hits me somewhere between 10 and 30 hours after the missed dose, and it’s an unhappy place to be.

I’ve had a good weekend—fun times at the MTC with a friend, successful cleaning check (I think I’ve checked the sheet 100 times to see the little check mark next to “Pass”), some schedule organizing, inspirational hike with Becca, lovely dinner at Chadders with Becca and Marat, enjoyable Sunday spent primarily outside. Logic tells me I’m happy but the rest of me can’t feel it.

Always with depression comes more intense questioning than usual, challenging the basic truths that are supposed to guide my life. Most dominant among these questions is: why am I here?

I know that theoretically I am here to learn and grow, make and break covenants and suffer consequences and repent and vow to live more righteously. Somehow this 80-year journey is meant to prepare me for godhood and perfection. During it, I am supposed to become better.

The problem is, I don’t feel like I do. I make positive changes—the most drastic being the change from being a secretive child with a chronic lying habit to being a fairly open and almost always honest adult—but I feel like as I kick each bad habit I just move on to new ones and my overall goodness level remains about the same. Some habits have more religious significance than others, but even the ones that don’t get me in trouble with the church cause stress and unhappiness and I don’t see that they are necessarily less detrimental. This makes it hard for me to feel motivated to actively try to improve. I think I’m a decent person as is, and each time I try to eliminate something negative from my life it just seems to get replaced with some other negative—which, though disheartening, seems human. Part of mortality is being constantly flawed.

I suppose the point is to gradually decrease the seriousness of our flaws. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I feel like I’ve reached good human status, and that the flaws I possess now are just evidence of my humanity. I’m good at getting back to good human status when I slip below that, but progression past good doesn’t seem to mesh well with my humanity. So I keep changing my behavior without feeling that I’m making progress towards perfection.

But then I wonder, if I’m not progressing, what am I doing here?

white glove red hand

2009-08-14T22:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Management,

I better pass the cleaning check tomorrow, because I would hate to put my hands through this again. On the plus side, my fridge looks totally awesome.

Catherine

Update: I passed!

sisters

2009-08-11T19:41:00.001-07:00

no trespassing

2009-08-11T19:40:00.001-07:00

The same week I went back to the farm, I found that I love corn on the cob. Once it’s cut off the cob, that is.

return of the phantom blogger

2009-08-02T22:47:00.001-07:00

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking lately. For once, I believe it has been beneficial. I’m starting to see a light at the end of a long, difficult tunnel I wandered into quite some time ago. I don’t know all the steps needed to get out, but I believe I’m on the way. With faith in Christ, it will all work out.

This week I’ve taken a break from reading the Old Testament to study Richmond Lattimore’s translation of the New Testament. I can’t praise it enough—it’s simple, clear, easy to follow. It reads rather like a novel, with no verse numbers and subtle chapter breaks, and I’m often surprised to find after what feels like a short time that I’ve read fifteen pages. Bible reading is normally a slow thing for me, with more than three pages feeling like a chore. Lattimore’s New Testament has brought me extraordinary peace this week. I bore a stuttered testimony today of Jesus Christ, and felt a trust in him that is brand new to me. He will provide.

hey kirsten, wanna arm wrestle?

2009-07-10T11:06:00.001-07:00

Excuse me while I weightlift nephews. :-)

faith, hope, and catherine

2009-07-07T11:43:00.001-07:00

I woke up Sunday morning dreaming I was back in Täby, where I came to love this church. Everything about the chapel in my dream was Swedish and familiar, and a family friend named Ingemar was at the microphone speaking on faith. Apparently he didn't get the memo about not using visual aids in Sacrament meeting talks, because he had an entire flip chart full of graphs and charts that he was referencing. The one that I remember was a Venn Diagram with one circle labeled "Faith" and the other "Catherine", thus demonstrating that Faith and Catherine can coexist.

Faith is a favorite topic of study of mine. I reflect often on what distinguishes faith, hope, knowledge, and belief, and wonder regularly what roles doubt and certainty are meant to play in testimony.

In this church we like to tell each other that we know. We know Joseph Smith was a prophet, we know the Book of Mormon is true, we know Christ lives, we know this is his church.

I'm uncomfortable with these statements for several reasons: first, I don't believe them. Second, they're not true for me. Third, the pressure to be certain seems to me to have eclipsed real faith--the hopeful, trusting faith that Alma teaches us in his famous Alma 32 discourse--the kind that is more of a hope than a knowledge.

We're occasionally taught (like in the last General Conference) that faith and doubt can't coexist, but I remain unconvinced. Doubt and certainty can't coexist, but faith, Alma teaches us, is not certain.

The word choice is a cultural thing more than anything. Sure, some of the people claiming to know may really have certain knowledge of the truthfulness of what they are saying, but I think that's the exception. Whatever the case, I tend to feel like a sore thumb when I stand up to bear testimony and say that I believe. There's really nothing I can say I know, although on several points I feel I'm close. There are two things I believe to the point of rarely doubting: I believe in the existence of a God who cares about me, and I believe that priesthood blessings I've received (such as my patriarchal blessing) have been directed by that God. Beyond that, I believe this church is good for me and I believe that scripture study and prayer make my life better. All the rest is hope--I hope these prophets are what I sustain them as, I hope this plan of happiness will really lead to happiness, I hope that with God's help I can be full of charity and faith, I hope that someday this life will be worth the pain and struggle.

I'm not sure whether hope counts as faith, or if it's some kind of precursor, or something different entirely. Mormon teaches about the importance of having faith, hope, and charity, but doesn't specify what differentiates faith and hope. The Bible Dictionary defines faith as "hope for things which are not seen, but which are true" and as "confidence in something or someone" and charity as "the pure love of Christ"; there's no entry for hope, and I blame its absence for how baffling I find its inclusion in the faith-hope-charity triangle.

I think we can still coexist.

illustrated scriptures

2009-07-03T12:24:00.001-07:00

Try Peeps of Mormon and The Brick Testament.

mysterious mishaps!

2009-06-24T23:41:00.001-07:00

I thought today would be another day in which nothing happened. I was so wrong! After an afternoon in the library and a top secret meeting, I began a long walk home. While walking I discussed between my alter egos questions such as why anyone would build a house this short (yes that is the ground and not some kind of second grassy roof):

Unable to solve the mystery, I dropped in at A1 driving to inquire about finally getting my license. Unfortunately, no one there paid any attention to me, and after trying unsuccessfully to figure out if any of the people there were actually staff and not just students, I gave up and left.

Once home I watched two movies: Tara Road (very good) and Sleepless in Seattle (fine, but thoroughly unconvincing). When I watch movies on my own, I turn on subtitles and then watch in fast forward.

Next came a long walk searching for a way into the mountains. No luck, but I did find a lot of dead ends with spectacular views. After that a lot of housework and bribing down dinner with the promise of fudge for dessert. Then phone calls, a couple games of sardines, Mary Kay makeovers, and finally returning to my apartment where I abandoned modesty as usual (possibly the only advantage to living in an apartment full of girls), and in doing so noticed this rip in my beloved corduroys:

I mean, seriously! What kind of friends do I have that no one pointed it out? No wonder people were staring at me strangely all night long!

father's day

2009-06-22T21:49:00.001-07:00

curiosities

2009-06-21T16:45:00.001-07:00

Life is full of mysteries:

Who writes this stuff on the fridge? (truly, I picked the tamest one to post)

What really happened to the toilet paper roll holder thing in my apartment? (it disappeared over a month ago)

And why, oh why are there 6 waffles in our little garden?

It's been a lovely day, förresten. More on that tomorrow.

sweet saturday

2009-06-13T23:06:00.001-07:00

This morning I woke up not wanting to do anything. I slept my 14 hours (typical right now) and wandered my apartment sullenly. Now that my roommates have started doing dishes (!) I'm out of my usual weekend activity. I certainly appreciate the change, but it leaves me feeling restless and uneasy.

It was with reluctant hope that I left home around 1:30, my belly mainly full of chocolate. My mind wanted to spend all day in bed, but among my sparse good traits is that I'm fairly reliable: what I say I'll do, I generally do. Yesterday I promised Sister Thompson that I would be at the MTC at 2 p.m. today for TRC. I arrived right on time.

Today I met with missionaries assigned to serve in Boise, Idaho. I adore Idaho--I love the flat dry land rimmed by mountains and the multitude of pickup trucks. They appreciated my enthusiasm and I their faith. I love volunteering at the MTC because for one thing it is spiritually charged and for another it is healthy for me to be taught basics in a setting where I am pretending to learn them for the first time.

Today I played the role of a former investigator interested in joining the church but fearing I would never be able to live a good enough life to be a faithful member. As the elders addressed my prescribed worries with scripture, I felt urgently compelled to ask a question on behalf of real life Catherine. As I expressed my genuine concern, one of the elders met my eyes and I felt the pretense fade from both our faces. Replying, he quoted another scripture--and then bore a sincere and humble testimony, the gist of which was "I've done what you are trying to do, and I believe that you can, too."

The commitment I was asked to make at the end of the lesson is one I've made dozens of times before. I think that today was the first time I believed I might be able to keep it.

Today I failed. Tomorrow I'll succeed.

roommates: part 1

2009-06-08T23:16:00.001-07:00

I don't know my roommates very well, and frankly that's not on my Top Ten Grievances list. They are all very nice, but the only interest I seem to share with them is boys--and they've actually got 'em while I just want 'em.

Tonight, however, I bonded with a roommate. It started when she came into the kitchen where I was doing dishes as usual (but with a dishwasher now! thanks be to Mothers Who Know that lazy dishwashers need vinegar) and said "you have eczema, right?"

"yes"

she does too.

We commiserated and compared scars (raising in me questions about the possibility of my marred legs being eczema's work), swapped tips (she said "my doctor told me to stop eating dairy" and we both said "not happening!") discussed medicated lotions and shared stories and embarrassments.

Then we said goodnight.

Right now we are on opposite sides of a wall, applying medicines that only barely help

and trying not to scratch.

Ye Olde Testamente

2009-06-08T13:40:00.001-07:00

Like any good Mormon, I have spent much of my life pretending the Old Testament doesn't exist. It wasn't until recently that I made any attempt to read it cover to cover, but as you are probably aware, that effort is now underway.

I started with Psalms because I'm really rather fond of those--at least I was until I got halfway through and tired of the repetition. It makes sense; they were never meant to be read one after another all the way through. To break up the monotony I turned to Numbers. I know you are all rolling your eyes now, but hear me out: Numbers is a jewel of scripture entertainment. Not only does it contain my favorite scripture story ever and forbid the consumption of raisins, it also tells stories about talking donkeys and explains the probable origin of the trial by water used in witch trials.

While we're talking about origins, did you ever wonder how that whole "Mormons have horns" myth started?

for best results

2009-06-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

If you have had the kind of week I've had, it's time to put away that chocolate and accept that even fail-proof remedies occasionally fail to cheer. But don't despair; for things chocolate can't heal, God gave us families.

I can't think of a single member of my family that hasn't brightened my grim world this week. If you are reading this and feeling glum because you can't remember talking to me this week and therefore think you've had no impact, turn the frown upside down because I just listed off the entire family (I checked our family portrait to be sure I didn't miss anyone) and yes you made a difference and I can tell you how but probably won't in this post.

If all of this still looks gloomy, there is still hope if you follow these instructions very carefully:

1. find a friend (for best results, select a sibling)
2. over dinner with person chosen in step 1, explore the joys of drawing with Crayola Slick Stix
3. watch Pixar's new stroke of genius, Up (for best results, watch it in 3D)

When you get home, climb through your apartment window and remind yourself not to leave the keys at home next time.

It worked for me.

careful, kids

2009-06-03T19:21:00.001-07:00

bad things happen in parking lots:

For those who don't recognize it, the pamphlet is for the Young Women's new "Virtue" value.

dishes: a photo essay

2009-05-31T22:09:00.001-07:00

I think all our dishes are converting.

I say this because from the time they heard the word

"bless this food amen"

they have lain as if dead

and some say that they stinketh.

only baptism

can make them clean and white again.

wishful thinking

2009-05-31T09:58:00.001-07:00

I really didn't want to be here this morning. I sent my spirit to Salt Lake to listen to my dear friend เจคอบ deliver his farewell talk before leaving for the land of smiles. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a way to get the rest of me there. Blame it on the weight I'm gaining from my meds (a pound a week; how long can that really continue?). OK, to be fair, it's more the fault of UTA and TRAX for not offering transport from Provo to SLC before 9 a.m. on a Sunday. Unreasonable, right? Missions are a good thing and I'm glad he's going, but it's still hard to accept that it will be two years before I see his shining face again. Unless I happen to run into him at the MTC. Or he sends pictures. Or Thailand closes down due to Swine Flu and he gets transferred back to BYU to call me to repentance.

Safe journey, friend! You'll have more letters from me than you'll know what to do with.

impressionable

2009-05-29T10:19:00.001-07:00

I've spent a lot of time studying this week. Before you jump to the conclusion that I've become a good student overnight, let me clarify: I haven't been studying for classes, I've been studying for life.

In lieu of doing homework, I thought I would present some of my lessons learning here:

From The Miracle of Forgiveness, pages 42-45, I learned that my behavior sometimes meets the criteria for being hated by the Lord because I am a rebel. Where Spencer Kimball wrote that "one would wish that the rebellious would stop and ask themselves questions such as...", I stopped and asked myself the questions he listed.

Do my philosophy and my critical efforts bring me closer to Christ, to God, to virtue, to prayer, to exaltation?

What have I gained by my criticism--peace, joy and growth, or merely satisfaction to my pride?

My mother suggested that my changed calling last week was punishment for planning to preach feminism.

I am still reflecting on all of these things. It's doubtful that I'll reach conclusive answers any time soon.

In the middle of my musings, I called my aunt to arrange a time to visit her. Over the phone, and later through a series of email exchanges, we discussed ideas of fallibility and our role as members in sustaining human leaders. We talked about logic and faith and Brigham Young; she is a fan, I find him frustrating.

She sent me this article, which now lives in my purse for frequent perusal and generous sharing. Terry Warner is a friend to my family and a brilliantly kind man with many deep insights into life.

My favorite part of this article is the message about obeying commandments out of love even when they don't make sense. I liked Warner's discussion of how our actions impact others and build up or break down their faith.

I was accused once by a bitter friend of a friend of destroying her faith in Christianity and strengthening her atheism because in trying to defend a religious belief through logic I had offended her. From time to time I re-read her rant against me and wonder if I'm doing any good when I try to defend my personal beliefs, most of which match with what is taught by the LDS church. I worry that it's not only my enemies I hurt.

And so it would seem better for me to be quiet and orthodox. But then I talk it through with Hugh B. Brown and get answers like this:

“I should like to awaken in everyone a desire to investigate, to make an independent study of religion, and to know for themselves whether or not the teachings of the Mormon church are true. I should like to see everyone prepared to defend the religion of his or her parents, not because it was the religion of our fathers and mothers but because they have found it to be the true religion. If one approaches it with an open mind, with a desire to know the truth, and if one questions with a sincere heart what one hears from time to time, he or she will be on the road to growth and service. There are altogether too many people in the world who are willing to accept as true whatever is printed in a book or delivered from a pulpit. Their faith never goes below the surface soil of authority. I plead with everyone I meet that they may drive their faith down through that soil and get hold of the solid truth, that they may be able to withstand the winds and storm of indecision and of doubt, of opposition and persecution. Then, and only then, will we be able to defend our religion successfully.”
“It is not only your right to question, but your duty to question.”

"Preserve, then, the freedom of your mind in education and in religion, and be unafraid to express your thoughts and to insist upon your right to examine every proposition. We are not so much concerned with whether your thoughts are orthodox or heterodox as we are that you shall have thoughts. One may memorize much without learning anything. In this age of speed there seems to be little time for meditation."

Where does personal pursuit of truth become rebellion?

jumper

2009-05-28T09:31:00.001-07:00

My music tastes have changed drastically since I was introduced to non-classical music about six years ago, but this song has been one of my favorites the entire time:

Jumper (2006 Remastered LP Version) - Third Eye Blind

I am listening to it today as a friend tries to convince me to step back from a ledge I can't stand to move away from.

just my luck

2009-05-23T20:21:00.001-07:00

While preparing to practice violin (I am learning this piece) I somehow managed to cut open the tip of my first finger. Fifteen minutes of steady pressure later, it is still bleeding steadily and I don't even know what I cut it on.

So the good news is I can't practice much tonight, right? Or was that the bad news?

cope, kenneth

2009-05-23T13:33:00.001-07:00

I made an awful mistake a few days ago. I called a friend this morning and cried on the phone as I related what had happened. He was kind and provided the friendly support I so needed at that moment.

When we finished talking I reflected on the second verse of a favorite hymn, "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good"

What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christ-like friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

I consider everyone that I know reads this blog to be that kind of friend. Thanks for the kindness and support, my loves.

Even more than Christ-like friends, I'm grateful for the friend I have in Christ.

Gethsemane - Kenneth Cope

it's only inspiration when I like it

2009-05-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

At a quarter to seven last night, I returned a missed call and was asked to come to the Clark building in half an hour to meet with the bishopric. Obediently I walked a mile to the building and sat calmly opposite one of the counselors who after much smalltalk asked if I would accept a calling as a Relief Society instructor. I happily said yes and scampered home content: I've never had a teaching call, but have been wanting one, and RS instructor is ideal. I would only need to prepare a lesson once a month, and would be able to corrupt my sweet sisters with my version of feminism.

My phone rang again half an hour after I arrived home. "This is Brother Clay," the voice on the other end told me. "I have good news: I gave you the wrong calling." I listened politely to his jumbled explanation and was then informed that instead of being RS instructor, I would be a member of the compassionate service committee, which already has about half the ward on it. It was not good news and I briefly considered apostatizing. I certainly did not plan to show up to be set apart as one of a million members of a do-nothing-committee.

I mulled things over for an hour or two, and by bedtime I had made up my mind. I'm not going to apostatize. I don't believe my calling was inspired, but I'll accept it anyway. Not just with words the way I did on the phone with Brother Clay; I'll try to serve and to do so compassionately, even if my efforts only reach my roommates. Sure, I'm still disappointed. Lamer than getting a lame calling to begin with is getting a great calling and then having it replaced half an hour later with a lame one. On the bright side, this way my bishopric got to see me be enthusiastic. If they had asked me in the office to be on the compassionate service committee, they would have seen me as the slug I felt like last night. Maybe even that wouldn't have been so bad, come to think of it.

Even slugs can serve compassionately, right?

vanity

2009-05-20T16:49:00.001-07:00

My new system of organization involves a "top five" list of daily priorities. Number four today was "get a haircut" and so far it's the only one I have checked off.

This is the first time I've made a major change in my hair since 6th grade. I like it, but am waiting to see how it holds up to neglect. I told the haircutter "low-maintenance" and she accommodated by only using four products and two styling tools.

I own shampoo and a brush. No blow-dryer, no flat-iron, no shine serums or finishing sprays. Tomorrow I'll wash it and find out whether I miss its silky shine enough to turn into a girly girl.

the good life

2009-05-16T18:06:00.001-07:00

25 truths

2009-05-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

In the middle of February, having been tagged an absurd number of times to fill out 25 things lists, I created one. I titled it "fashionably late" and then I left it in my drafts folder for three more months.

Now it's outdated. For example, number five on my list was "I don't like ice-cream"--but by some bizarre twist of fate, I've gained a deep appreciation for chocolate ice-cream since February and now sometimes crave it. All this after a lifetime of not caring for it in any form other than home-made vanilla with more milk than cream and freshly blended fudge sauce made from scratch.

Encouraged by this change in tastes, I made an effort to be brave and try raw salmon in the form of sushi; it tasted just fine but a lifetime of revulsion got to my throat and I couldn't swallow. Sad.

Yesterday I went back to bed soon after getting up. I've been feeling sick, but the real reason is that I sleep too much. It's become almost a hobby.

When I finally got up, I took out all the trash in the apartment and then tackled the dishes. I washed and dried for over an hour but then one of my roommates came in to help and I abruptly stopped. Five things I hate to be watched doing are:

eating
cleaning
shaving
clipping nails
blogging.

For all these reasons, it's nice to have my own room even though eating in bed has disadvantages like the orange juice I just spilled on my pillow.

I have been eating in my room this morning because the kitchen smells abominable. Last night one of my roommates decided to grind an entire pot of pasta with sauce down the garbage disposal, and the poor disposal vomited it all back up the other drain. Believe me, it ain't pretty. Maintenance promised to come fix it, but hasn't yet. I will head over to the office in an hour if they still haven't come and complain that this really does need to be fixed today. Inspired by this story, I attempted a temporary solution to the stink by pouring baking soda over the whole mess.

But boy am I getting sidetracked. Some things I love to do that most people wouldn't guess are:

physical labor
reading about fashion
learning about childbirth and all related topics
talking to myself
massaging feet.

Five things that make me stare:

cowboy hats (especially if they are black)
dresses
awesome cars
stealth bombers
babies

Five things people don't like about me:

I'm too forceful
I flirt so much no one can tell whether I mean it
I'm lame at parties
I hog pillows
I eat weird food.

Friends, I'm out of random truths. Two random lies:

I want to climb Everest!
and
I love seafood!

Didn't count 25 items? Don't feel bad; me neither.

reflectitious

2009-05-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

I came home yesterday to a quiet apartment after a weekend away. In my absence no one had taken out the trash or washed the dishes so the kitchen was a mess but I ignored it. My bedroom was much worse; chaotic from quick packing and a lack of storage space. I added my backpack, violin case, and three bags of food to the clutter and then I tried to sleep in several different places before resorting to earplugs. It felt beautiful to rest. I love afternoon naps because I know I will wake up ready to eat and study scriptures and go back to bed, and then I'll wake up on time in the morning which usually seems impossible.

I had a great weekend in Idaho with friends. I shoveled dirt and played with kids and watched action movies and even went to Sunday School where I was fed false doctrine and reminded not to take offense even though it was kind of offensive. I loved hearing the primary kids sing on Mother's Day and I enjoyed the wide dry fields of sagebrush and the backyard campfire over which we roasted mini marshmallows.

I didn't like coming back to Provo although I felt ready. Provo means school and too hot walks to campus and efforts to make friends now that the ones I had last fall and winter are moved away and leaving on missions. I feel my world spinning today but I am at peace. Life is changing fast and I am changing with it and I think I like the changes. More and more I focus on missionary work although I'm not preparing for a full time mission. I am hungry for truth and the convert I am teaching is myself. I've been told that the gospel's not hard; life's hard. I sometimes think the gospel is hard too, but it is beautiful as well. Today I am developing a series of complex gospel thoughts and questions that all tie together. If I organize them into something coherent, maybe I'll post tomorrow.

puppylovin'

2009-05-02T18:06:00.001-07:00

Becca has this puppy for the weekend and brought me over to be cheered by it today. I've smiled and laughed and jogged a lot today thanks to this gorgeous creature:

I think everyone needs weekend puppies.

mold

2009-05-01T23:35:00.001-07:00

I love everything about my new apartment except for the carpet and the bathroom tiling. I might be extra sensitive because one of my apartmentmates is bugging maintenance to spray her room for mold, but somehow raised green splotches on white tile seems like an excessively poor choice for bathroom decor. I mean, I understand selecting carpets that hide dirt well, but by the time you are trying to make mold blend in with the bathroom walls, frugality has gone too far.

Alma 32 and trampled grass

2009-04-30T21:28:00.001-07:00

As I studied Alma 32 for Book of Mormon class today, I was all full of questions. The seed is the word is the atonement of Christ, and if we will plant it we will know it is good because it will grow. Grow? What exactly does Alma mean here? I'm still working on that one.

We went outside to study Alma 32, and wandered on the grass lovingly cared for by BYU's fantastic grounds crew. Teacher asked me to prepare to teach the class the key doctrines of Alma 42 at the end of class, which is a lot harder than it sounds. That took some of my focus, but enough of me stayed with the class that I noticed these bald spots by the campus walkways, and thought about Alma 32 and the seed that is the word that is the doctrine of the atonement, and how care and nurturing are needed to protect its growth.

All these grassless shortcuts by the walkways are created when we feel we don't have time to stick to the paths or would be too inconvenienced by doing so. Grass is resilient, but too much trampling flattens and then kills it. The connection isn't perfect, but as I walked I thought about how often we decide we don't have time or space in our lives for the precious gift of the atonement. We ignore and trample on our faith because we feel we're in too much of a hurry to read scriptures or attend the temple. We reject Christ's atonement when we decide that so many others have already walked off the path that it won't make a difference if we do too, and even more so when we decide that we have trampled on the grass so many times ourselves that it's pointless to stop now.

If we can prioritize and protect the word, taking time to give it space to grow in our lives and believing that now is not too late to begin to respect, accept, appreciate the atonement made by Jesus Christ, we'll have the privilege of watching our lives become more beautiful as the bald spots fill with growth and life.

belly growth, or "please don't take my picture from the side"

2009-04-22T17:01:00.001-07:00

I try to be a Dove girl. I try to keep a healthy, honest friendship with my body. I have no qualms about letting people see me natural. I keep my makeup minimal, don't wear figure-changing clothing, and shave only when I feel like it.

Still, sometimes I feel insecure, like today while watching a short film in which I starred as Astrid, a quirky artist who looked artistically pregnant throughout most of the film. Part of it is posture and the rest is genes. Mama nature decided to collect my fat cells on my belly. I don't think they are even extra fat cells--I am happy with my weight. It's just that from the side, I look Greek.

Ancient Greek--like those beautiful statues in the Vatican Museum, women with stomachs that promised to comfortably surround babies-to-be.

It's just that in today's western society it's hard to feel comfortable with a healthy belly--especially when you are less proportionate than those Greek girls, which I am.

And so today while watching my disproportionately plump stomach push the fabric of my movie outfits forward, I decided a few things:

1. I really ought to learn to stand with better posture

2. It's wonderful that summer is arriving with its promises of mountain climbs

3. Next time I get caught on camera, I'm going to cheat out a little more.

a call to conscience: seeking wisdom out of the best books

2009-04-10T09:49:00.001-07:00

I've been having a faith crisis of sorts lately, and have spent many hours seeking greater understanding of the things I believe to be true. In addition to the obvious gospel sources, I have spent a lot of time with the writings of Martin Luther King, Jr. I think I've found myself a hero:

What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and that love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best it love correcting everything that stands against love.

Let us be dissatisfied until that day when nobody will shout "White Power!" when nobody will shout "Black Power!" but everybody will talk about God's power and human power.

We must not become bitter… No, we must not lose faith in our white brothers. Somehow we must believe that the most misguided among them can learn to respect the dignity and worth of all human personality.

Our aim must never be to defeat or humiliate the white man… We must act in such a way as to make possible a coming together of white people and colored people…based on mutual respect.

I'm concerned about a better world. I'm concerned about justice; I'm concerned about brotherhood; I'm concerned about truth. And when one is concerned about that, he can never advocate violence. For through violence you may murder a murderer, but you can't murder murder. Through violence you may murder a liar, but you can't establish truth. Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can't murder hate through violence. Darkness cannot put out darkness; only light can do that.

(all quotes taken from A Call to Conscience)

King strikes me as being a kind of prophet. I am amazed by the truth, clarity, and love expressed in his speeches. While fighting my own battles in pursuit of justice and improvement, I try to remember that, as King so wisely taught, "Love is ultimately the only answer to mankind's problems."

solutions

2009-04-08T10:23:00.001-07:00

One of my best friends sent me this cartoon this morning. It solves two of my biggest problems: thinking too much and procrastinating meals. It is also awesome because it's Garfield.

camping

2009-04-07T19:45:00.001-07:00

The spring weather makes me wish I had a truck and camping buddies and a week off school.

I don't have these, but I do have a faded quilt and this delicious hill:

I spend an hour out there most evenings after the sun has set, curled into my quilt to watch the moon rise and breathe in the cooling air.

I tell my friends I am out camping.

revolution

2009-03-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

My silly FHE family was too lazy to go climbing last night, which knocked four happinesses off my list. Fortunately, a friend came to the rescue and invited me to come rappelling with her tomorrow. We're also going to visit an old folks home today, so between a good deed and a 200 foot thrill I should get through the week.

Meanwhile here's my theme song:

Change - Taylor Swift

It's kind of a silly one; Taylor Swift has done much better musically, but I am not that polished of a person at the moment and this fits me perfectly.

catherine the grouch

2009-03-30T10:55:00.001-07:00

I'm such a grouch today; I can't seem to be nice to anyone. So I am listening to My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee with the volume at max and writing rows of happinesses in efforts to cheer up.

1. Temple Square was lovely on Saturday.
2. I learned to take busses and TRAX in Utah.
3. My Aunt is wonderful.
4. So is my immediate family.
5. I won a golden Jar Jar Binks for my contribution to our ward Break the Fast yesterday. It was the "Thanks For Showing Up" award for the laziest dessert--a package of bunny peeps from which I had removed most of the ears.
6. Headphones and the resilience of my ears which have not yet lost all their hearing despite the abuse I have been putting them through.
7. Friends.
8. BYU.
9. Yoga.
10. Rock-climbing tonight.
11. My fireside committee members who work without even being asked.
12. The new translation of the Swedish Book of Mormon is great.
13. I almost succeeded in seducing someone last night.
14. Climbing tonight.
15. Climbing tonight.
16. Climbing tonight.

I'm gonna tear the climbing gym to pieces and humiliate my FHE bros with my ferocity.

never saw blue like that

2009-03-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

During the RS good news minute yesterday I considered announcing that my week had contained three consecutive good days--a miraculous occurrence in my life.

I didn't announce it, but I did sit there and smile and think of this song about discovering a brand-new bright dimension to life. Hayley Westenra sings it beautifully.

Never Saw Blue - Hayley Westenra

called to serve

2009-03-22T14:17:00.001-07:00

As a female freshman here at BYU, it's easy to feel forgotten in all the fuss and celebration of the weekly mission call announcements. Although I'm just as excited as the next girl to hear what corner of the globe my friends will call their home for the next two years (especially if that corner is Stockholm, Sweden as is the case for one of my FHE brothers), I have a tendency to feel the tiniest bit irked when mission-prep talk leaks into every church-related gathering.

So, this week I resolved to stop feeling left out and in the spirit of every-member-a-missionary I called myself to serve in the wherever-I-am mission for the next two years. I didn't have a cool call-opening party or announce it in sacrament meeting, but I made commitments that give me a sense of focus and purpose.

One of these commitments is to read all the standard works. Lacking natural organizational skills, I am starting with the book of Psalms. I have grown very fond of David's usage of the word "lovingkindness" and have marveled at the beauty of phrases like this one from the eighteenth psalm:

Thy gentleness hath made me great.

yellow roses

2009-03-17T20:40:00.001-07:00

Daily when I see these flowers (petals crisply dry now but still vibrant) I think of recent kindnesses and smile. The yellow roses remind me to appreciate my family and friends and all the encouragement they offer. This week some kindness have taken me by surprise.

I got asked out on a date last week for the first time ever. It was flattering and fun to feel what it's like to be the asked and not the asker, and the date was as perfect a first date as anyone could ask for: comfortable, interesting, friendship-building fun. We went to the MOA and discussed the art, focusing especially on works by Walter Wick (I SPY, etc) and religious art. It feels delightful to have been noticed and invited for a one-on-one activity.

Even less predictable was an incident today which I am hoping will begin a friendship: before Pen and the Sword I spent a half-hour in the honors lounge with two classmates and my favorite TA, eating chocolate and talking casually. Across the room I noticed a girl who seemed to be listening to our conversation, but assumed that she was probably just annoyed at us for being loud. However, as we stood to go to class, she walked over and introduced herself to me, explaining that while listening to me she had been thinking that I seem like someone she could be really good friends with. She then asked for my cell number--I wish I'd thought to get hers too, but I didn't. I smiled and told her that she'd made my day (no joke!) and then walked merrily to class. It surprises me that anyone would want to be my friend when their introduction to me was the sort of conversation that she heard; it was very Catherine and most people find that somewhat shocking.

So those are my stories for the day. More things to do tomorrow, and hopefully some will to do them. My mood is getting better and I can only hope my energy and focus improve with it--and hope my new friend calls.

college level coloring books

2009-03-07T20:22:00.001-08:00

Some months ago I bought an 8-color scripture marking pencil. I use it almost daily. I'm not sure the color-coding has much value after I've already colored it, but I focus better as I read when I am sorting concepts by color.

Although I'm still tweaking it a bit, my coloring system is something like this:

Christ, special scriptures

Charity, how we should treat others

Warnings, sin, transgression, punishments

Holy Ghost, Spirit of God, revelation, baptism, sanctification

Faith, repentance, priesthood, prayer

Commandments, righteousness, blessings, motivation, praise

Pre-mortal and post-mortal existence, temple

Items of historical or literary interest

The other night while coloring I came across a verse in Job where he is defending his faith to his friends.

Job 21:3 Suffer me that I may speak; and after that I have spoken, mock on.

Amen.

i thank You God

2009-03-05T12:52:00.000-08:00

i thank You God for most this amazing day - Eric Whitacre / Brigham Young University Singers

morning by morning, new mercies I see

2009-03-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was really a good day--so good that I began piecing together something coherent from the numerous blog posts I've begun this week.

Two months have passed that I'm glad to see gone. My hospital stay was lifechanging but difficult. I was eager to come home, but now I'm here it's hard to deal with all the tasks and dull realities that come with college life. I'm looking for an apartment for next fall and simultaneously looking for ways to outlive winter and productively enjoy spring and summer. Today and yesterday I made steps towards both of those goals, and that is a good feeling.

Daddy leaves this afternoon for Austria. He took me apartment and grocery shopping this morning and hugged courage into me. I'm so glad he came; his help has meant so much to me.

On one wall of the hallway leading to the hospital unit where I stayed, fluid black lettering reminded both incoming patients and visitors to "be kind, for everyone is fighting a great battle". I've thought about that quote a lot since coming home. Besides my family and three close friends, no one knew where I was or why. Most didn't notice my absence, and I'm certain that I wouldn't notice theirs. I am not that observant. I'll try to notice more now, though.

The night before entering the hospital I reached one of the lowest points of my life. Ironically, when I needed help most was when it seemed hardest to request it, so although some close friends and my bishop walked past while I lay in the cool grass crying, I didn't call out to any of them, and none of them stopped. Later two friends told me (before hearing that anything had happened) that they felt impressed to check on me, but never got around to doing so. I wonder what I would have done if our roles had been reversed. I fear I would have been too hesitant and shy to check on any of my friends. Now that I have been the one beaten by the roadside, I'll try to act more like the good Samaritan.

Becca was my healer that night. She took me to my Bishop for counsel and a blessing and then took me to her apartment for comfort and safety. I entered the hospital the next day. The first night was the hardest; from there forward I have seen new mercies every morning (see previous post for the song which lent the title for this post). I gained a reputation in the hospital for being their most popular patient; I credit my incredible family for that title and thank you all for your love and support. Flowers and phonecalls, visits and prayers--all brought courage and cheer.

I'm doing well now. I thank God for his faithfulness and thank you for your love, and as I move through these long weeks I strive to remember to be kind, for everyone is fighting a great battle.

Thanks for helping me fight mine.

strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

2009-02-23T07:51:00.001-08:00

Great is Thy Faithfulness - Fernando Ortega

Give Me Jesus

2009-02-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

It was one of those Sunday School days where if I didn't have this nagging testimony I might go looking for a different church.

I delegated my ward council responsibilities and came home and listened to Fernando Ortega for most of the afternoon. I especially love the way he sings this song.

unadmirable truth

2009-02-19T21:09:00.001-08:00

A happy Thursday evening to all of you. I'm glad to see this week approach completion.

We have cleaning checks tomorrow. Don't tell my RA, but I do virtually all of my cleaning with Windex wipes. Yes, the floors too.

My apartment never really gets very dirty since there are just the two of us, but the parts of it I use sure get cluttered. My roommate and I recently struck a deal: she gets the table and up to three chairs, I get the couch and at least one chair at all times. The chair acts as an extension of the couch (read: leg rest) and a home for my computer when I am not typing on it. I present the couch:

I spy a laptop, a blanket, a planner, a notebook, scriptures, two Daily Universes, a mostly empty bag of chocolate chips, many housing pamphlets, the MMM book, and a cellphone.

Considering that I spent much of yesterday with my doctor and a crisis counselor (complications from fluoxetine; nothing to worry about) I feel remarkably well today. I am lagging behind somewhat in schoolwork, but I'm not really concerned. I will catch up or make up and eventually get good grades. I picked up a sheet of scriptures about stress management the other day which had this reassurance:

Q: How important is the setting of deadlines to the Lord?

A: Alma 40:8--"Now whether there is more than one time appointed for men to rise it mattereth not; for all do not die at once, and this mattereth not; all is as one day with God, and time only is measured unto men."

See? No need to worry.

I missed ASL today. So did Jacob (he was lightening the burden of skipping class by sharing it. That is the kind of friend to have.) We sat outside the ASL classrooms for two hours with our Civ group and discussed A Tale of Two Cities. Our scribe suggested that morality is conditional, but then feared the reaction of Keele and the TAs and wrote "Catherine concludes that morality is conditional" instead. I'm a pretty willing scapegoat for things like that.

Keelisms

2009-02-17T19:24:00.000-08:00

Alan Keele is my Pen and the Sword professor. I like everything about his class except the homework. Instead of doing it, I thought I'd share some funny things he's said in class.

"I’ve been a student since 1960, and you think you’re bored."

"The only thing [the TA] said that I disagree with is that the papers look pretty good."

"There’s an infinite number of things you can do wrong in this class."

"Actually put your head into the computer screen."

"Here the logic slides sideways off the page."

"Mormons gut feel that they are always on the right side."

"Can you see the problem with damning people to hell for old times?"

"It’s actually a real accident of history that we aren’t all speaking Turkish right now."

"My brother who is a retired religion professor and is suspicious of me gave me his usual lecture…"

"Mormons need to be inoculated against believing the wrong things."

"One time this actually made sense; forget about it now."

"My son and I spent two weeks in Spain randomly riding trains from one mosque to another and also admiring the beautiful women."

"I specialize in pedagogical chloroform—I put my students to sleep."

And a wise one:

"No human command or law exceeds God’s law to love our neighbor."

I <3 Keele.

beloveds of mine

2009-02-15T20:45:00.001-08:00

It turns out that there's really no better company than siblings (and siblings-in-law) to have on valentine's day. The five of us went out for Thai food and shared some eight or ten dishes. Delicious! A masterful marriage of sugar and spice of the curry variety, with veggies and chicken and coconut milk adding flavor. Then we hung out at Becca's nearby apartment, where we rolled jollily about on the carpet and snacked on Swedish candy three months past its expiration date and debated whether or not I can appropriately call my brother-in-law "honey-in-law" and "sweetie-in-law" and similar things and discussed favorite books and praised our wonderful mother.

Tomorrow I am going on a road trip with Elisabeth to visit my favorite aunt. I want to discuss the Massacre at Mountain Meadows book with her and have only read half of it so far (excellent book, I highly recommend it) so I am going to see how much more I can read before sleep hits. The rest will have to happen in the car on the way up.

on the mend

2009-02-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

I generally let illnesses pass on their own without consulting doctors, but a week of severe fatigue (I was sleeping 16 hour nights, which is very much out of character for me and interfered with schoolwork) scared me into not only going to a doctor, but letting them take ten tubes of blood and run tests for mono and thyroid function and anemia and things. The good news is, all tests came back looking good and I am on the mend. Apparently I had a mono-like virus and should be back to my normal chipper self within 2 weeks.

Isn't this bruise from the blood-letting awesome? This arm stopped giving blood halfway through and they had to poke the other one twice and eventually use a baby needle to finish up. Too much info, I know. I thought it was cool. Some half-vampire baby is feasting now.

second swedish essay

2009-01-29T18:59:00.000-08:00

Not all language classes at BYU are hellishly hard. I'm not saying this one is an easy A, because it's not--but the fun factor makes it the highlight of my week. Here is my translation of our second essay assignment:

You have a friend who is on a mission in Sweden. You have dated, but have never seriously discussed your relationship. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he/she proposed to you in a letter. Write back to him/her explaining why you have to turn down his/her proposal.

Requirements:
-In the introduction, reminisce about two nice memories you have of time spent together.
-Explain three reasons why you cannot marry him/her.
-Write a poem to comfort him/her.
-Summarize your points and make sure he/she understands clearly how you feel.
-Compare your relationship to an aspect of Swedish history.

Grading: Equal weight is given to these 5 criteria
-adherence to requirements
-clarity and kindness of your message
-grammar
-creativity
-quality of poem

hope after a frustrating day

2009-01-26T23:13:00.001-08:00

Youtube is technically blocked at BYU, but this is the 3rd or 4th time in the past week that I have accessed it. When it is available, I almost always watch this video.

To be or not to be, RA edition

2009-01-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

At approximately 1 a.m. this morning, while awake under the pretense of doing homework (and yes I did finish the assignment), I found myself browsing through housing and job information online, lingering over references to RA jobs. For some reason, the idea of being an RA appeals to me. This doesn't really make sense for several reasons, but I keep talking myself out of them:

1. Being an RA means going to dumb hall meetings and activities. Key word: dumb. Solution: as RA, I can theoretically make hall meetings and activities non-dumb. I mean, I'm in charge, right? Right.

2. Cleaning checks. Cleaning is no fun to do, and possibly less fun to tell other people off for not doing. Solution: be a super-cool friendly cleaning checker like my RA is, and offer no-cleaning-check passes as rewards for good behavior like she does.

3. RA's have to be shallowly social and learn everybody's names! I am terrible with names. Solution: what a totally awesome chance to improve my name-learning skills!

4. Being an RA means attending an all-freshmen ward, which means no RMs! Solution: look on the bright side: no need to look nice at church!

5. RAs have to do lame things like patrol duty, where they walk through dorms late at night in the scary dark all alone! Solution: flashlight?

6. RAs have to deal with tons of girl drama! I hate girl drama! Solution: declare the dorm a drama-free zone and/or learn conflict resolution skills!

Being an RA means improving social and leadership skills, getting my own room, free housing and meal plan, lots of little sisters. It means no need to search for housing (that might be my main motivation but don't tell anyone that apartment-searching stresses me so much that I practically want to tear my toes off.)

To be, or not to be?

cleaning checks

2009-01-21T17:02:00.001-08:00

Today we got our job sheet for cleaning checks. Looks like my roommate gets the easy work this month: nothing!

Also, I have been being a problem student. I kind of got in trouble in my Swedish class today. The teacher is young and fun so I joke around a lot in class. Today the joking was so silly that I emailed a friend about it during class, and then I started giggling. Here is the slightly edited email:

I'm a goofball. It's your fault.

Here is part of the transcript of Swedish 202 today, translated into English so I can type it faster:
Teacher: Imagine that someone tries to steal your bike. I mean a bike that belongs to all four of you. A four-seater tandem I guess. How would you react? I mean, you're not just going to let him walk off with your bike, right?

silence.

Teacher: Catherine, you're smiling. What would you do?
CDU (Catherine den Underbara): I would say, "Go ahead!"--because seriously, who's gonna be able to ride a 4-seater bike all by themselves? And if he succeeded, I would probably yell "Hey! Bring back my limo-bike!" (my friend asked how you say "limo-bike" in Swedish. In class, I just swedishized it into "leemo-bajk")

5 minutes later

Teacher: Imagine that you see in the Daily Universe that BYU is going to reassign half of the student parking spaces to teachers. How would you react to that?
CDU: I wouldn't--who needs a car when you have a 4-seater bike?

cooking blog

2009-01-21T10:43:00.000-08:00

Even though my cooking post attracted more attention than any other, I decided not to make this into a cooking blog because

1. I only cook two or three times a year and
2. My blog currently has no purpose and I like it that way.

My brother-in-law, however, has recently started up a fabulous cooking blog, featuring videos of him cooking Russian and Tatar cuisine as well as original dishes. His food is simple, fresh, and scrumptiously good; in fact, it is forcing me to reconsider my vegetarianism, because the way he cooks meat is almost irresistible even to this life-long meat hater.

Those of you not lucky enough to live 10 minutes from his house can enter his virtual kitchen here.

Henry V

2009-01-19T20:25:00.001-08:00

I spent the weekend in SLC and Idaho. In addition to hearing the story of Grandma and Grandpa P's courtship, learning to drive a snowmobile, and playing with airsoft guns, I had a great time with friends. This picture pretty much summarizes my weekend:

And this is what my weekend should have looked like:

food storage essential: dehydrated water

2009-01-17T19:03:00.001-08:00

Grandpa P. designed this a long time ago and tried to market it, but it was eclipsed from popularity by pet rocks. I think it's brilliant.

dessert for dinner

2009-01-15T17:58:00.001-08:00

Since coming to college, I have survived mainly on Amy's frozen meals, milk, cheese, bananas, nuts, juice, canned vegetables, chocolate, chips, salsa, and eggs. Eggs are pretty much the only thing I cook. Everything else gets microwaved or blended or stirred into edible states. I cook eggs because I don't like them raw, microwaved, blended, or stirred. Truth is, I don't like them much cooked either--but they are a great source of protein and some important vitamins, so I mask their taste with spices and cheese and eat them anyway.

Except tonight, when I needed something delicious and nutritious to get me through the evening and decided to get fancy. There's very little not to like about eggs prepared as pictured above. Served with raspberries and chocolate sauce, these pancakes are my favorite taste of Sweden.

it's been this kind of day

2009-01-14T17:11:00.001-08:00

Super glue will fix it, right?

waiting for a prophet

2009-01-12T18:04:00.001-08:00

President Monson came to BYU yesterday evening to speak at the CES fireside. I got in line at about 2:30. When I arrived, there were perhaps 20 people in front of me in line. By the time the doors opened at 4:30, the 20 had mysteriously become 60. Even so, the friends I was with got floor seating and I got 2nd row arena seating, which allowed me seat-saving privileges and an even better view than floor seating. This picture shows part of the line I was in at 3:30.

twelve angry men

2009-01-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

In Pen and the Sword on Friday, we watched the 1957 movie "Twelve Angry Men" which may go down as my favorite movie ever. This is significant because I don't like many serious movies, and I like even fewer black and white movies. This one was a masterpiece: art at its brilliant inspired best.

All but perhaps 10 minutes of the movie are filmed in a single small room where a jury of 12 men is gathered at a table, trying to reach a unanimous conclusion about the case of an 18-year-old man accused of murdering his father. Because it is a hot summer day in New York and the heat makes them impatient, the jury votes before discussing: 11 to 1, guilty.

The 11 are angry at the 1, who explains calmly that he doesn't know whether or not the boy is guilty, but feels that he deserves more than a minute of their time. Then follows a brilliant debate filled with heroes and hate. The acting is superb, the story convincing, the ending ambiguous. We are left not knowing whether the boy was innocent or guilty, but we do know that the jury's final vote revealed each member's their best efforts to be true to truth.

What I took away from the movie was this: first, we are each responsible to think and reason for ourselves. We must not go along with anything just because of peer pressure. Second, all knowledge is personal. Our personal history and our interactions with those we love influences all of our feelings and decisions. We learned a great deal about the men on the jury from the way they saw the case.

Seagulljaap's reply to my post "charity and proposition h8" was expected. We have been discussing this issue in detail and depth for several months. We were chatting when he posted his comment. We continued to discuss it for over an hour, and somewhere along the way, I realized that he and I are both right. We want the same thing: charity for all. Because of our personalities, experiences, and connections to others, we approach the issue from different angles and we express ourselves in different ways. I think we will each be able to help others--but he will help people I can't reach and I will help people he can't reach.

The Lord, the Church, the World all need many types of people. We need different personalities and abilities. From everyone, for everyone, we need charity: sometimes charity expressed through gentle healing, and sometime charity that warns, "sin no more". Occasionally, we may need charity with a whip. We speak of Christ, we preach of Christ, we follow Christ, we love like Christ.

Each in the way we are able.

love for the lovely

2009-01-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

Undeniably, I have praiseworthy grandparents. They are all four fantastic, faithful, loving, clever people and I love them each so dearly. Last weekend I had the chance to visit with both sets.

I spent Friday night at Grandma and Grandpa P's house after flying in late from Austria. It was close to midnight when I arrived, but Grandpa P was up waiting for me. He hugged me and offered me a late night snack and directed me to my room, where Grandma P had left warm rice pillows between the neat sheets of my bed. I did some geneology with Grandma P in the morning, and then sat and talked with Grandpa P. He told me about buying a computer in 1984 for $4,200 so that Grandma could do family history work on it. He demonstrated for me his knack for forging signatures, and told me about how he used to write notes excusing his high school friends when they came late to school, and sign the principle's signature to them. He never got caught--even the principle couldn't tell the difference between his own signature and Grandpa's imitation of it. He showed me that signature and his father's signature, which he said he once signed to a check in front of a bank teller. When the teller asked if that was his signature and Grandpa said no, the teller refused to cash it. "Well," he said, "I'll take it across the street and they'll cash it for me" and that's just what he did. Grandpa was a professional hypnotist for 18 years, and I asked him about that. He told me that he bought a book on hypnotism for $2.50 while in his teens, and started out by hypnotizing the chickens on his family's farm. Of course chickens couldn't take commands, but he could put them in a trance and they would wander around afterwards off-balance and cross-eyed. He told me about the power and the dangers of hypnotism and why he doesn't practice anymore. I was sad to have to go when Benj picked me up, but promised to come back to visit soon.

We picked up Becca and drove to Grandma and Grandpa C's, where we enjoyed a delicious dinner and then congregated in the living room for cheerful conversation. Grandpa C has a wonderfully gentle sense of humor, and Grandma C is an unparallelled story-teller. They are great examples of love and wit. On this particular visit, Grandma told us the history of her beautiful black cat. She is a delicate, long-haired variety who lived wild in the neighborhood until the wild cats were caught and taken to a shelter in another town. As I remember her telling it, it was a week later that the cat showed up again in Grandma's yard, covered in burrs and mud, and Grandma slowly tamed her and eventually brought her into the house. She is a sweet cat but quite flighty. One day she brought a little black and white kitten out from the bushes and presented it to my aunt, who later took it home to live with her. That kitten grew to be about 3 times as big as his "mother", and bears no resemblance to her in build or fur or personality. Grandma says "mama kitty" was never pregnant anyway, and that there is another stray cat around that looks just like the now-grown kitten and is just as large--so she thinks mama kitty is a kidnapper. :-) Whatever the case, those two cats are more attached than any others I have ever seen. They love to play and snuggle and groom each other. Thinking about that shy little cat stealing a kitten from another cat always makes me smile. Before we left, Grandpa spent a moment with each of us, holding our young hands in his large farmer hands that have become so soft over the years. He spoke kindly and told us each how much he loves us.

I'm grateful for these earthly angels in my life.

picture the possibilities

2009-01-08T08:54:00.001-08:00

My awesome brother Benj gave me his old digital camera. So far I have used it to take pictures of this super cool teddy bear (my Grandma's) and my super empty fridge.

Can you believe school takes preference over blogging every single day?

Controversy will be posted by Saturday.

why I don't date

2009-01-07T13:19:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend about another friend, and the first friend asked if there was something going on with friend #2 because we had been spending more time together.

"No," I said, "We're incompatible. His favorite video game is Grand Theft Auto IV, and mine is Wii fit."

That's why I don't get dates, I guess.

I've been working on a serious and controversial post, but school keeps getting in the way. I will post when I have time to finish it.

93

2009-01-03T00:24:00.000-08:00

I have been on 93 airplane flights in my life. I just got back from the last two--I slept during my 4.5 hour layover at JFK and slept on the second flight as well, so now I am wide awake in the cozy basement of my grandparents' house near SLC.

The other day I was wondering how much time I have spent in airports and airplanes. I threw out a guess of about a month and made a mental note to do some quick calculations later.

Now it is later.

In an old journal I have a detailed list of where most of these 93 flights began and ended, and I could use that information to determine approximate flight lengths and average those to reach a more precise estimation, but that would take tons of time, so instead I abandoned accuracy and just chose conservative numbers.

I've been on many long international flights, but I've also been on a lot of shorter flights within the USA and between European countries. To be safe, I estimate an average flight length of 5 hours and average time spent in the airport for each of those flights at 3 hours.

5+3=8

8*93=744

744/24=31

31 days=as long as months get.

Seems I've spent at least a month of my life in airports and airplanes.

Totally cool.

I have a goal to reach 100 flights before turning 20.

a post that allows comments

2009-01-01T01:25:00.000-08:00

Good morning 2009! Come what may, I'll love this year.

Almost everyone I've given my blog address to has asked about allowing comments.

My first post was a poem. I didn't allow comments because if you allow comments on a poem, people might ask what it means, and I'm not telling. Worse, and more likely, they will feel pressured to say "great poem!" and "you are such a gifted writer!" It is a mediocre poem. I am saving the great ones for publication, sillies.

My second post mentioned my drug habits. While fluoxetine may make me smile, I feel weird talking about the fact that I'm on anti-depressants. (There! I said it!) Hence no comments allowed there either.

Next I announced my intention to give myself a middle name. Here I disallowed comments mainly out of habit.

Popular demand has led me to reconsider. So here's your chance, friends--comment! Tell me why you think I should enable comments or why you like the comment-free format of my first three posts. Feel free to also tell me how you feel about my blog. Is it too cryptic, or uncomfortably open? Does it bore you to tears or seem selfish or vain? Speak up--just don't say anything about my drug habits and poetry.

new year, new name

2008-12-31T07:55:00.000-08:00

I don't have a middle name

yet.

I chose one for myself last week: it is "Agnes".

It's significant because it is the name of my great-grandmother, who had a motorcycle boyfriend just like I have always wanted. I look like her and I admire her although I never met her. She was a brave woman.

Starting tomorrow, consider me Catherine Agnes. Someday I'll make the change official.

happy thoughts

2008-12-30T13:51:00.001-08:00

Ten things I smiled about today were:

- Just one more day of 2008
- Prayer
- Family
- Friends
- Clean clothes
- Safe and delicious running water
- Fluoxetine
- Sleeping as long as I want
- Hundertwasser's art
- Not going to the opera

I smiled a lot today.

fear and faith

2008-12-29T01:04:00.000-08:00

Each December I write a poem reflecting on the dying year and expressing hope for the coming one. Here is the one I wrote this year.

I know I run. Lord, is it wrong to run?
I reach for quiet in the ways I live and feel;
I long for silence in my hands
and softness on my lips.
I can survive like this. I can be whole;
I know I can.

I pursue peace on tortured feet—
Lord, which way should I run?
I reach for light; soft shouldered friends
stand in my way, support my hands
sigh lullabies
beg me to sleep—though pained,
I can survive like this. I can be whole;
I know I can.

A load lifts from my hips today; I run
on jubilating feet.
I saw my Lord today reflected
in the kindness of a friend’s affection
in the brightness of a stranger’s smile.
The snow is coming with its whiteness to
repaint the world like clean. It promises
I can survive through this. I can be whole;
I know I can.